Saturday, April 26, 2008
Warning! ignore this post...
So I have nothing to post about, yet I have billion of things inside me that i wish I can share with the world.. And I can't do any of that.
It's complicated , the human nature.. You feel things , different things sometimes all at the same time. opposite emotions together going through you in the exact minute, leaving u drained and tired and not exactly knowing whether to laugh , cry or kill yourself..!
Strange fear of the future that leaves you paralyzed, you know that it should motivates you to move forward and do something , but it's too hard to leave your comfort zone, your warm place under the covers, in the cool dark room that is your inside world right now..
I think I'm not making much sense, but since when have I ever done that..
Some people would tell me that I am way more mature than my age, and yet others ( or the same people in different occasions) would think I am so immature.. A baby in the inside .. not necessarily in a good way. And that leaves me wondering, which one i am.. Do I feel older or younger than I really am? And why would I want to feel anything but my age? And what is a woman my age should feel like? And what is it that I should be doing or accomplishing at this age to feel good about myself? and will I ever know what i want to do or be?
Ok so I think that this is a bit strange.. mixed and not matched emotions. I keep thinking I am having a thoughts hurricane , hitting me hard in the odd hours of the day , keeping me awake all night, sleeping all day.
I need a big change in my life, but what is bigger than a divorce? death??
Not that I am thinking of it , despite what I seem to be I am more relaxed now that I was before, when I was feeling trapped in a life of uncertainty and resentment. I don't like negative feelings, especially if it was toward someone else, they leave me feeling weak and mean , and I don't like to feel mean.
I think I need to learn yoga.. maybe this way I will feel calmer and more in touch with my emotions.. Or maybe I should buy a set of china and just smash it somewhere.. Or get me a punching bag..!
So I'm not sure if I am going to publish this post or just delete it.. It's very strange sharing this Magritte painting of a feeling with every one who knows me or don't. but it sure feels good typing the words. If only I can attach a scream with it..!
And in case you are wondering, yes I am ok 7amdillah, thanks for asking. even though i seem all weird and crazy I am feeling better in my life, moving forward even if in very small tiny baby steps. I might seem to you standing in my place but trust me I am not..
this post was presented to you by a very pms-y me.. So i would advise you not to think of it again..
This message will destroy itself in five seconds..