Saturday, April 26, 2008

Warning! ignore this post...



So I have nothing to post about, yet I have billion of things inside me that i wish I can share with the world.. And I can't do any of that.

It's complicated , the human nature.. You feel things , different things sometimes all at the same time. opposite emotions together going through you in the exact minute, leaving u drained and tired and not exactly knowing whether to laugh , cry or kill yourself..!

Strange fear of the future that leaves you paralyzed, you know that it should motivates you to move forward and do something , but it's too hard to leave your comfort zone, your warm place under the covers, in the cool dark room that is your inside world right now..

I think I'm not making much sense, but since when have I ever done that..

Some people would tell me that I am way more mature than my age, and yet others ( or the same people in different occasions) would think I am so immature.. A baby in the inside .. not necessarily in a good way. And that leaves me wondering, which one i am.. Do I feel older or younger than I really am? And why would I want to feel anything but my age? And what is a woman my age should feel like? And what is it that I should be doing or accomplishing at this age to feel good about myself? and will I ever know what i want to do or be?

Ok so I think that this is a bit strange.. mixed and not matched emotions. I keep thinking I am having a thoughts hurricane , hitting me hard in the odd hours of the day , keeping me awake all night, sleeping all day.

I need a big change in my life, but what is bigger than a divorce? death??
Not that I am thinking of it , despite what I seem to be I am more relaxed now that I was before, when I was feeling trapped in a life of uncertainty and resentment. I don't like negative feelings, especially if it was toward someone else, they leave me feeling weak and mean , and I don't like to feel mean.

I think I need to learn yoga.. maybe this way I will feel calmer and more in touch with my emotions.. Or maybe I should buy a set of china and just smash it somewhere.. Or get me a punching bag..!

So I'm not sure if I am going to publish this post or just delete it.. It's very strange sharing this Magritte painting of a feeling with every one who knows me or don't. but it sure feels good typing the words. If only I can attach a scream with it..!

And in case you are wondering, yes I am ok 7amdillah, thanks for asking. even though i seem all weird and crazy I am feeling better in my life, moving forward even if in very small tiny baby steps. I might seem to you standing in my place but trust me I am not..

this post was presented to you by a very pms-y me.. So i would advise you not to think of it again..

This message will destroy itself in five seconds..
5...
4....
3....
2....
1....

BOOOOOM!

3 comments:

moonface1211 said...

انشالله تستقر امورك
.. نفسياادعي واقرأي سورةالبقرة
التغيير الي يحصل في حياة اي انسان لازم يسير فيه بعض الكآبة حتى تعتدل الأمور جربي كمان تمارين الإسترخاء حاولي لا تفكري في شي لمدة 5 دقايق في اليوم
ولا تنسي تكلميني اي وقت تكوني مضايقة حتى لو تبي تجيني ولا اجيك مو مشكلة

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